I'm reflecting today. And...I'm wondering. I know that God could have made and CAN make anything of my life...but today I am convinced that when He thinks about me - He shakes His big heavenly head and laughs a huge Godly belly laugh and says, "You guys have to come over here and see THIS!". I want to take you back to West point for one minute....remember the skunks that wandered into our house and sprayed our new "Oreck" vacuum? The house that was providing a haven for our NEW living room furniture....yep....THAT was funny! Or...let's go back a little further to 1999. I was pregnant with Emily and John, Andrew, Catherine and I drove up to Gatlinburg to have a mini-reunion with my mom, dad, sisters and their families....John left a happy meal in the car...moon roof open and bear cubs jumped into our car and ATE the Happy Meal...the leather seats and the steering wheel!! Then...they pooped in the car and scratched their way out. I must add that those two events were HYSTERICAL to USAA (our insurance company)...they laughed but never paid a cent for them. And...just to refresh your memory...since John has been "in the sandbox"....we have had a kitchen fire....a basement flood...a dog attack and......today.....the funny funny event of today. Please do not eat dinner and read...I am warning you because the following story makes me a little green around the gills.
It is Friday (begin happy music - fall leaves blowing - children playing). The girls have a birthday party sleepover tonight at their best friend's house and I was looking forward to snuggling up with the boys and watching a movie. But - why watch a movie - when you can watch our everyday life? I was sitting at this very computer WHEN - OUT OF THE BLUE - THE DOG LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND BEGINS WILDLY BARKING AND CHASING SOMETHING!!! Oh, yeah....why don't you take a moment before I go on.
READY??? I saw the dog run into the "teeny-tiny-main-floor-bathroom" and THERE WAS A SEWER RAT CLIMBING UP MY HEATER!!!!!!!!!! The dog is going crazy, I start hysterically screaming - the kids are screaming - more barking - more screaming - now we add hopping up and down - broom swinging - yelling for the neighbor - high pitched hysterics and then I slammed the bathroom door with my beagle and a sewer rat trapped inside. Shiloh is "kicking hiney and taking names" and I call "DPW"...remember them??? They were the people who I had to call when the fire took down my kitchen. When I call they all draw straws to see who has to deal with me. In a calm, heavy German accent she answers, "Hallo...DPW...may I help you?" I say: "Ummm...there is a foot long sewer rat in my bathroom and my dog is chasing it and I NEED HELP!!!!!" She says...still calm: "What is your building number ma'am?" (If you don't know...on an army post everything revolves around your building number...you learn building numbers fast because it's the language of "Where the heck am I??" in the army). I try to tell her calmly but my voice gets very high pitched and I say, "I AMI N GRANT CIRCLE!!!!! 11 TAYLOR STREET!!!! HELP ME!!" Then...the darn rat climbs up in the window and peeks out. WE ALL (now neighbors are helping with the dramatic antics!) SCREAM AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS! That rat is eating my potpourri. Oh, gosh...that crap is totally going in the trash.
I call DPW 4 times before the RAT GUY can get to my house. He explained later that he was at home and he lives about 30 minutes away...I forgave him. Okay...rat guy pulls up in his car - he jumps out with a plastic shopping bag and a "claw". Don't EVEN say, "What's a claw?" You squeeze the handle and the pinchers at the end clamp together. OH GOOD GOSH!
Rat guy spends about 15 minutes in the bathroom. He then comes out and says, "There is no rat." That's it...."There is no rat."
There was simultaneous screams from the neighbors. "YES!!!! THERE IS A RAT!!! WE SAW HIM!!!! GET HIM!!!!" The rat guy goes back in..armed with the pincher.
He comes back out..."There is no rat." I was mortified..."Then where did he go???" Rat guy says, "Oh, he swam back outside through the toilet. " Me: "ummmmm.....WHAT?" THE RAT SWAM AWAY THROUGH MY POTTY...MY POTTY...EEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
Yeh...I'm going to throw up. What has my life been reduced to? I am now officially the craziest neighbor to ever hit the army circuit. The crap that happens to me...well...you can't make it up!
So...just to finish this blog off so that I am free to go cry...Rat Guy set two "cut your fingers off" traps....and he plainly said, "Don't go in there...I will return on Monday." I got the "yuck" shivers about 20 times, the kids want to go to a hotel, and my stomach hurts from the "not so welcome" excitement.
God...you are a funny Guy and I love you. More importantly...I trust You. But, for ONCE could you make me the "solid, calm" neighbor...just ONCE? No skunks, rats, bears....no nothing. Just once? Okay...thanks...I am am going to go flush my toilets about a million times now.
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