To Cherish a Desire with Anticipation

I think that Christmas really subscribes itself to our inner 6 year old. I totally remember Christmas when I was little and I know I am not alone. First of all, I grew up in Mount Sterling, KY...home of "October Court Days". The weekend preceding the 3rd Monday in October (say THAT 3 times really fast!!) we had the most glorious festival. People would set up booths full of "you name it". One booth might have socks....the next booth country ham sandwiches...the next booth wooden ax handles...the next booth pens and pencils and paper....the next booth handmade quilts...the next booth grilled steak sandwiches...the next booth.....you get the picture. It was Mount Sterling at it's small town finest and it ushered in fall like nothing else. I am telling the truth....just writing about it takes me back. I loved it....and I loved what was to follow..."THE HOLIDAYS". Next came Halloween (my mom was the best at homemade costumes...simply because they looked like a Hollywood costume designer made them...we felt sorry for those kids with those stinky, plastic masks on and those "hospital gown" costume fronts.) Then Thanksgiving...the day was just perfect from Daddy home (farmers aren't home that much because there is always work to do....but on Thanksgiving he was HOME!) raking leaves and cleaning up around the house...mom inside cooking with cream and butter and love....the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and Christmas movies at night....and then.....(this deserves a paragraph break....)

CHRISTMAS! Here it was...about a month of good smells, church socials, daddy "cleaning up" and us shopping in Lexington, which led to cotton candy and caramel corn, wrapping gifts, earthy Christmas trees, more wrapped presents, Christmas lights, elevator Christmas music, Bing Crosby, blankets, wood fires, anticipation and family gatherings, cousins, drives in cold cars, clear nights with the brightest stars and Christmas Eve.....Christmas morning....and then we breathe. I loved it. I loved it more than anyone...maybe not my daddy....but I loved the hype and the build up. I loved the let down because it propelled me....and I loved the hope of Spring that followed. It was just all pretty nifty.

However....Christmas 2008 was a turning point in my life that I could not have predicted. I'm serious...you look back on your life and you see those big milestones that are carved in your heart and your say, "Wow...that blindsided me!" That is a gross understatement for what has happened in my life over the past 15 months.

John went to Iraq in September 2007. Army wives know it is coming but no amount of thinking about it prepares a family to lose it's head....literally. Think about it....what if you head fell off? I'm not saying John has the only brains in our family....or the only eyes and ears....but he's a quiet and wise man and when his "part" of the head went to Iraq, it was heartbreaking. I just laid in our bed and cried. And the worst part - the bed felt physically lopsided. I thought, "It's all on me. If I'm sad...the kids are sad. If I'm sick...the kids are neglected. If I don't take care of myself...then I can't expect children to pick up the pieces. If I get lost (a huge reality for me!!) then the GPS and Andrew's impeccable sense of direction will have to guide me...but it's still my responsibility to live life and show the kids how to live life. This stinks...."

Somewhere I lost my hope. I can't tell you when it was but I lost it and even telling you that makes me tear up. When hope is gone it just feels like lonely claustrophobia. You are empty and struggling for air all at the same time. Goodness...that is so sad.

I wonder if the world felt that way right before the birth of Jesus? Spinning out of control? Lonely and cold? Looking for answers? Hopeless and smothered? The world was holding it's breath for Hope to arrive. They knew it was coming...there were signs all around them....but where was Hope?

We received word in November that John's unit was to return from this deployment on December 23. My heart lightened. December 23? God...are you there? Did YOU hear that? December 23...okay, I trust You. 23rd....24th....25th....26th....27th...who cares? Oh my gosh...the 23rd...ummmm..I better go wrap a gift...."Kids!!!!! get your coats and shoes and ID cards and money and COME ON!! Christmas is coming!!! Christmas is coming!!! Go get the decorations....get the outside lights up and the wreaths...WAIT...GET IN THE CAR!!!" A glimmer....but it wasn't hope...it was adrenaline. And I did start to get ready. We put up a beautiful tree and managed not to fight....we hung wreaths and garland and big wonderful glass balls...we played Bing Crosby and all of the other smooth crooners.....we sang "Santa Baby" (wildy inappropriate...but what a mood lifter!) and we ran out of energy fast. I started to panic....what if John didn't come back until after Christmas? What if he died before he got here? What if he came home in a rotten "I've been to war" mood? What if he was different? What if Christmas was just not "good"?

Hmmmm....newly betrothed couple only to find out that she's pregnant. The world is lonely and the bureaucracy is thick and tainted. Not only does Joseph have a pregnant woman on his hands...but she is due and so are the numbers for the census. Nothing is working out as he had planned....nothing! Get a donkey...help Mary up....I'll walk. I wonder what they talked about while she bounced along on that animal? It must have hurt. Joseph must have been tired. But, God was (and still is!) a smart guy. He chose Mary and Joseph. He knew they had broad enough shoulders and hearts to carry this load. Hearts that would seek Him. He provided the prophecy to led the way. I wonder what Mary thought. Was she ever scared? She knew she had not conceived this baby the "normal" way....but was that enough? Did she ever just sit and cry?

Thank you for staying with me...the best part is here.

I had no hope. Sunday was here and we got up....got ready and went church. So far...so normal. And while the chaplain was preaching, I was reading my bible. Scripture I had read a million times before and as I type this...I feel my heart fall to it's knees. God works in His time...not mine. God uses whatever medium is available to Him...even broken hearts. God knows the exact moment to sit down beside me and wrap His arm around me. He knows when it is time to restore hope.


Sweet young Mary has found out she is expecting....and she needs to go away and be with her older cousin Elizabeth...also expecting....also a woman of God....carrying John the Baptist in her womb. When Mary greets Elizabeth, the baby in her womb LEAPS! Say, "Amen" if you know what THAT feels like! It makes you go, "WOO!!!!". It doesn't tell us if Elizabeth said "WOO!!!" but the bible does tell us that Elizabeth was "filled with the Holy Spirit". Wow...(a say that with a whisper) Mary said some things...Elizabeth said some things....and then God spoke to my broken, spilled out and hopeless heart....

Luke 1:45 "Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished"

I re-read it....over and over and over. It was like that scene in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" when the Grinch's heart grew. My heart was heaving because God was putting it back together. "Oh, sweet Jesus...how did I ever doubt you? Why did you let me be in such deep despair? I believe YOU! I do!" "Blessed is Christy who has believed that WHAT THE LORD HAS SAID TO HER will be accomplished!!!" Not "might be"....not "could happen"...it WILL BE accomplished.

Do you ever wonder of Mary had her own "aha!" moments? I'm sure she didn't get a great response from people around her when she found out she was expecting. Even if she convinced her parents that the baby growing in her was from God....what about the neighbors? I mean, Joseph himself wasn't on board until the angel came to him in his sleep. I wonder if she ever just said, "WAIT A SECOND! I told the Lord that I believe him....I am not changing...no matter the circumstances around me...no matter how the world around me spins...I choose to believe God....This miracle "WILL BE" accomplished because God said it would be!"

Wait...what has the Lord even said to me? What were His promises to me?

The one promise that just kept surrounding me was "I will not leave you or forsake you". I wanted to say, "Really???? I am a stinker. I am mean mouthed....sullen...bitter...used up...selfish...ungrateful...." and His answer was "yes..." I'm sure God was thinking, "I've done more with less, honey....a lot more with a lot less."

And...on the 22nd of December (preparation for John's homecoming was in full swing!!!) John called from Kuwait. He said that two companies were coming home as planned (the 23rd) and two companies had been delayed until the 24th and that he would wait with the the delayed companies. I cried...but it was different. I was not hopeless.

Hope is defined in Webster as "To cherish a desire with anticipation". I looked it up on December 22. Let me tell you the truth that I know in my heart - I was cherishing more than I had cherished in a long time and my desire was in Kuwait and the anticipation was filling the air! I had HOPE. God was not just filling my cup...it was overflowing. It was like He was my personal bodyguard. Nothing could come between me and my hope.

On December 23 John called again. Further delayed. I was so mad I threw the phone but God pulled me aside. Was I serious? I put the phone back together and decided that filled with the Holy Spirit and filled with Hope was better on every level....I had walked on both sides of the track and I preferred "HOPE".

There is no anticipation like the one that precedes a unit marching in. My heart was pounding and I'm here to tell you that I felt about the same way right before I walked down the aisle to become "Mrs. John Harris". There was HOPE bouncing off the rafters. And...it was Christmas Day! Can you believe that? The day HOPE was born (don't get historical with me right now...I'm on a roll!) was the day that symbolized God bringing me back into His presence and restored Hope. Even if John had not come home....my heart had been pieced back together and made into a new creation by God himself. I would tell you all of the side stories that make my "new walk with God" even more powerful...but they do not need to be discussed here. Call me...I'll tell you all about it. But...what I can tell you is that even after I felt God's healing power in my life...there were several tests that could have destroyed me. I have no idea what people do without the Holy Spirit in their lives.

"A thrill of HOPE...the weary soul rejoices. For yonder breaks, a new glorious morn! Fall on your knees...Oh hear the angel voices! O night divine, O night when Christ was born! O night, O holy night...O night divine!"

Hebrews 6: 18b-19a

"...we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure."