Darn it...

I was 25 years old when Andrew was born. And, as long as I'm being honest, I thought it would be a lot like having a puppy. I am not even trying to be funny!! I thought, "Feed him when he needs to be fed, change him when he needs to be changed, play with him, talk to him, bathe him...and give him to a babysitter when I need some time with John or need time alone."

I was a certifiable-mother-to-be-flibberty-jibbit. A puppy child? Really?

He was born in March on a very sunny German day...and my life completely flipped around 180 degrees and I was never to be the same girl again. A part of my heart and soul and flesh was now in my arms...his tiny cry would make me do cartwheels...feeding him from my own body made my soul bow down...my heart was no longer in me...it was wrapped up in a blanket. Oh, you Mommies know exactly what I am saying. What happens when you become a mother is a miracle that no one can explain...it just "is".

Andrew was 5 days old and I was holding him in our teeny tiny living room and I was crying quietly to myself. John looked over and said, "I know...we have a baby now...". And I said, "No...that's not it...he is going to leave me one day and take my heart with him." John (because he is a man...and has a robot heart) said, "yeah...but that's like 18 years from now. Why are you crying now?" And...I .......said......"It will be here before I know it and I will not be ready to let go...I can tell." John went back to watching tv...his robot heart told him to.

Andrew is 14 and in his first year of High School. As if THAT is not enough...Homecoming...his FIRST Homecoming was last night. I'm a freak...I asked him not to go. Did I possibly think that him staying home would make it "not true" that he is growing up? That him not going would negate the fact that he goes away to college in 3 years? Oh....darn it....I'm crying...hang on. Here...look at these while I dry my eyes...

He went. He backed out of asking a girl he runs Cross Country with...he went stag...with other stag buddies waiting for him at the dance and other stag gals...But...he went and it was not lost on me that he looked like a cute little Freshman and that as I took pictures of him going to Homecoming through his Sopomore...Junior and Senior years...he would drastically change and become a man. I looked through my camera lens and started to softly cry...just like I did 14 years ago with the same dread in my heart. My baby is going to grow up...be normal...and leave home. I wish God would throw us Mommies a bone here and give US "robot hearts". But, we have applesauce hearts....mushy and sweet. That's the way it is. And so...he rode off with John in the MINI...smiling...nervous...and adorable.

My heart went to Homecoming 2009...bye-bye heart...